Joel Clements

There was a period in my twenties when I got in to a weird, sort of deconstructionist (?) phase of dating.  I found the first date “getting’ to know you” so exciting, and yet the questions so unrevealing.  So I started sort of acknowledging that it was a part of trying to get to know the person, and tried to come up with more fun, more revealing questions (without, obviously, being creepy).  I’ve forgotten all of them at this point, but one.  Fortunately, it is the greatest “getting’ to know you” question of all time.  Yes, ever.

Before going on, though, two quick things: first, Chuck Klosterman wrote about questions he asks to get to know people in his terrific collection Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.  I acknowledge his precedence and awesomeness and assert only that I simply did this too and my question is different and I’m not ripping him off.  (also, n.b., if you’ve read his Fargo, Rock City, wouldn’t his original choice of title, Appetite For Deconstruction, been so vastly superior for the book?  It’s like a perfect title for what he wrote there).

Second, these questions were only field-tested once in an actual “date” capacity, and it was a total failure.  At the end of the evening she asked if she’d “passed my little test” in a tone that did not scream out “call me tomorrow.”  Nevertheless, I stand by my questions!

So, the greatest question is this: If you were going to start a cover band, who would you cover and why?

Just ponder that for a moment.  You see, no matter how you answer, it’s revealing.

The only qualifiers for the answer are: 1 – You can name a few ideas, but you must ultimately commit to one cover band.  2 – You do not have to come up with a name for the band, but if you do, it (obviously) has to make some reference to the band or its songs (bonus points if it’s a pun).  3 – If the respondent doesn’t know what a cover band is, it’s permissible to explain it (and you’ve learned something already).  4 – while it’s a gray area, if someone insists on a “genre” tribute band, this is acceptable only if they then add a second, band-specific idea.

Here are just a few reasons it’s so great –

1. It covers the whole “what kind of music do you like,” which is itself, let’s face it, a total waste of a question.  “Oh, lots of different kinds.”  Yawn.  Impossible to really answer, no one learns anything.  The only way that question would tell you anything is if the respondent said something like, “Bruce Springsteen.”  “Oh, you like sort of heartland, bluesy-rock?”  “No, I didn’t say I like people like Bruce Springsteen; I like Bruce Springsteen.  Period.”  “Oh… so the E Street Band…” “Hate them.  Only Bruce Springsteen.”  Bearing in mind, of course, that the artist you want to cover might have no direct relation to your “favorite” artist, but the fact is it would tell something about your relationship to music itself.
2. Just about everyone has thought about being in a cover band, at least a little, at least in some form. Everyone has fantasized being in some band, or having written the songs yourself, or traveling back in time, killing the artist and stealing the songs (which is a little elaborate…), so the cover band question can simply articulate that, which is in itself revealing!  If the person chooses a certain band because, well, they’re great, and he/she just loves them, you’ve learned something about the person’s taste, and how far they’ve thought through their love of music. See?  This question works on so many levels!  Do you need a moment to breathe into a paper bag? Well, keep that bag handy…
3. You can get some amazing answers to this question, because a lot of people have given a lot of thought to the idea.  More than you’d think.  It gives you a sense of the depth and breadth of their fantasy life.
4. How you’d approach it tells a lot about you. Would you attempt to recreate the actual experience for a smaller, cheaper crowd, or would you re-vamp the songs in some way?
5. The “why” element is crucial.  Obviously, most people are simply going to answer that it’s because the band is great.  Fine, fair enough.  But those who answer for other reasons are going to really tell you something.  Some people will choose someone like AC/DC or Lynyrd Skynyrd because everyone would want to see them (this person is pragmatic, thinks in terms of what will work; this person may want to make a lot of money; this person might also be over concerned with being liked; this person may also just love these bands, but if so, you’ll probably know long before you reach this stage of the conversation).  Maybe he/she chooses Boston or Poison because it’d be hilarious and awesome (this person likes irony; this person secretly likes arena rock but doesn’t want to admit it; this person might be a little snobby; this person likes to have fun).  And it goes on and on (as could I).
6. Lastly (though there are more points of greatness, too many to go into here), the question prompts more questions. Some good (what would you do in this band? Would you dress up?  What songs would you play?) and some bad (Did you get this question from Joel Clements? And not give him credit?  That’s intellectual theft!  Totally unlike his relationship to Klosterman’s questions, which are simply analogous!)

So, this of course leaves the question itself for you, doesn’t it…