President Me: … and together, as Americans, we can make it work. I’ll now take your questions. Ummm, yes, Samantha.
Samantha: Mr. President, I guess my question is about last week’s mandate making Halloween a four-day weekend holiday.
PM: We’ve been over this…
S: Yes, but I’m a little confused about what happens when Halloween falls on, say, a Tuesday.
PM: (rolls eyes) Did you read the mandate? That won’t happen any more. It falls on a Saturday now. Always.
S: You’ve moved Halloween to the “last Saturday of October”?
PM: Of course not. Seriously? It has to fall on the thirty-first. That’s part of the, I don’t, awesomeness. Tipping in to the darkness of November, and such.
S: But why force it to be on a Saturday?
PM: Well, Samantha, let’s say it falls on a Tuesday, like you said. So, then, what? Everyone goes out on the 28th? That’s lame. You get, you know, three or four trick or treaters, and you’re like, ‘hm, it’s the 28th kid,’ then on the actual day you get three or four more because they figure everyone went on Saturday, plus, now it’s a Tuesday night so it’s a work night, and – let’s not kid ourselves – you ate most of the candy on the 29th. You see what I’m saying.
S: But, if you haven’t changed it to “the last Saturday of—“
PM: October will now have a series of differentiated added dates in the middle; however many are necessary to achieve two things: one, to make the thirty-first fall on a Saturday and, two, that the Saturday in question is cool, mostly cloudy with enough sun for severe, long shadows, but no rain.
S: Differentiated added…?
PM: Yes. For example, this year October will be 34 days long, with the addition of the eleventeenth, the eighth: parts I and II, and pi-r-squared. We’ve got 50 back-up days ready to go. American can-do spirit at its finest. Other countries work for the calendar, we make it work for us. Hey! I just made that up! Toby, put that on a poster with a picture of… something. Next question? Roger?
Roger: So, to follow up – if it’s always on a Saturday, why the need to make it a four-day holiday?
PM: It’s the most fun holiday, right? Right. There’s too much to do for just one night, right? Trick or treaters, vs. going to a party vs. hanging out downtown in a costume, and so forth. Now, you’ve got Thursday, Friday and Saturday, plus Sunday to rest, and do laundry, or whatever. In my case, do President stuff. Also, we’re going to make Halloween a whole lot scarier.
R: How?
PM: Well, we’re still working on that. My initial proposal was to release one secret-government-experiment-gone-horribly-awry into the streets each Halloween. But my team – who are pussies – said that was impractical, in some cases probably apocalyptic.
R: There are potentially apocalyptic secret government experiments that have gone horribly awry?
(pause)
PM: No. Anyway, I’m not sure on the details, but it’ll involve getting back to some old-fashioned scary monster stuff. No cute, baby vampire crap. Other questions? Honestly, I didn’t expect this kind of response. Don’t go trying to turn this in to a “Story” just because there’s nothing else to write about. I didn’t get this kind of interrogation over that damn farm allocation bill. Next question. Frank?
Joel Clements 